I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
