So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
