You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
