I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
