It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
