I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
