I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Im part way to drunk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
