oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
