I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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