pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
