Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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