she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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