I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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