but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
