We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
