My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
