So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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