Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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