Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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