can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
