sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
