96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
