Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
