Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
