Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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