I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
