Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Hippo gnu deer
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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