We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
