her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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