if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
