It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You've changed since you got that strap on
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
