I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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