thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
