you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
