Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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