I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
