Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
