Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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