GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
