I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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