I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
