That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
