So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
