Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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