i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
