the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
