Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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