How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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