how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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