Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
