i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I want her autograph on my taint
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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