Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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