If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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