mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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