Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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