every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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