She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
