I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
