I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
