Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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