Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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