Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
