I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hippo gnu deer
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize